BLOGGING

I realized I don't like pictures I make with my camera, iphone photos look more attractive and alive somehow. When I started this blog, I wanted to post only "quality pictures", but apparently I forgot how to make them and also it was one of the reasons of updating so rarely: the need to make camera pictures always stops me. However, I really would like to indite something finally, I used to write blogs since I was 17, so over 13 years already. And it's been over a year since I didn't post regularly anywhere except instagram, which is still for me more a sort of photoalbum. Somehow I have also lost the need to share every thought which comes into my head with general public. But I still feel the need for having a blog:)

GIFTS

It's autumn once again and, as usual, everything became clear. The air has already changed, the sunlight is different, everything gets more cozy, and life acquires more meaning. I was waiting for this autumn more than usually.
As it already has happen before, in autumn I feel more harmony with myself. I've been working on myself past two years, and now I see the result. Last autumn I felt much better than before, I started to fall in love and notice details, but it was the very beginning. Comparing to now, it was nothing.
I'm inspired by everything, everything i beautiful: rowan berries in my tea, my wonderful books, leaf and late blossoms. I notice billion things, that were always around me, but just passed by my attention before.  Like that  blueberries I had for breakfast are exactly the same colour and tone as my pants.

I feel incredibly thankful for all those abilities I once had, but lost about five years ago, and now they are all back and I can feel it deeper and stronger and appreciate them much more then ever.
It's still a long way to go.

SUGAR, SPICE, EVERYTHING ELSE

Besides, I love my current age in general, I've found myself in a very interesting phase. Now I see clearly that things I've ever loved had influenced on my life and preferences. Those things that I just liked once, did form my taste and views. And some are just gone. Like my attraction to Kate Moenning and her style (oh, I was obsessed, I even made the same haircut and bought similar clothes). But now it doesn't touch my life anyhow.
But  the exhibition I accidentally visited when I was 22, influenced on all my attitude to portrait photography, and I still think that Anton Corbijn is the best photographer ever. My love for french music of the 60-70-80s I've carried through all my life and it is still with me and I know for sure, that it will stay with me forever. My love for the North, northern art, culture, food, style etc. never was a secret, but now I can feel, how deep it did grow inside of me.
Somehow, it feels like an ability to distinguish true love from a momentary crush.

It's so obvious, there's actually nothing special - we all do consist of things that we've heard, seen, experienced. We develop through it, and it's a regular process. But now, at thirty, I see what exactly do I consist of. Like the disjointed  puzzle pieces of my childhood memories, teenage attractions and some deep loves of my young years got together (discarding not fitting ones) to create a structured unique picture - me.

EASTER WEEKEND

Still so cold, it feels like summer, but I still wear my winter jacket and warm socks. Some mornings I spend on the balcony, planting different sorts of flowers. I have there also a little tomato plant, thyme and parsley. And for sure, I'm about to have some radish there. I'm dreaming of my own little garden with old apple trees with mossy trunks. I would plant there all sorts of berries and herbs I know.
I love my new bed linen and hundreds (no) of my lovely plants. I'm a plant freak, I'm buying new ones at least every week, but it's not enough. I'm thinking to hang plants in some macrame holders, why haven't I've done it already? 
Meanwhile I'm trying to bake vegan cakes and muffins (banana and blueberries), but it turns out much more as flour paste, than the real muffins, but still kinda tasty. 

I love long rainy silent cold mornings, I spend with coffee and book. I'm looking through flats in one of my favourite towns, just for inspiration, and thinking, how I would like to see my future home looking like. Like Eva-Lotta Lisander I'm imaginatively placing the furniture and curtains and all the other things in every apartment I like (so, in every). 

There are things I'm learning every day. Especially from people and situations that annoy and bother me. Last autumn I chose learning, not getting upset. It is a very hard choice to make, although it seems to be obvious. Every choice can be hard when you're not ready, and I've never been ready, preferring to go with the flow.  My moving to another country, having an unfriendly surrounding and worst humiliating job ever almost broke me, that's the sad truth. But in the end it finally made me stronger, that I couldn't achieve since school years. Only now I can be really thankful to everyone who I met in past 4 years, for making me the way I am.

It doesn't mean that I don't get upset or angry anymore, I do and a lot. But now it doesn't exhaust me or bother me for ages, I don't try to find some awful reason in myself or think what I've done to deserve this. It is just a feeling, and I appreciate it. 

Now spring begins, I hear the birds singing behind my window, I love my home and my morning sunday coffee, and I finally feel self-confident enough to live the life I want.

LONG TIME NO SEE

It's the longest winter I ever remember, although I see crocuses already blossoming in my neighbourhood. Before, when I was living inside my cocoon, the time was just passing by, but now, when I'm living all my days fully conscious, this winter seems to be endless.